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The most universal trait of mankind—a trait you and everybody else have—a trait so strong that it makes men do the things that they do, good and bad—is the desire to be important, the desire to be recognized. So to be skilful in human relations, be sure to make people feel important remember that the more important you make people feel, the more they will respond to you. Everybody wants to be treated as a somebody. This is the basis for the oriental habit of saving face.” Nobody wants to be treated as a nobody and when they are ignored or talked down to, they are being treated as just that. Keep in mind—to the other person, he is just as important to himself as you are to yourself.
The use of this trait is one of the cornerstones of successful human relations. Some tips on how to recognize people and make them feel important —
1. Listen to them (see chapter v “how to skilfully listen to people”) Refusal to listen to people is just about the surest way of making them feel unimportant and of rating them as a nobody. Listening to them is just about the best way of making them feel important.
2. Applaud and compliment them. When they deserve it
3. Use their names and pictures as often as possible. Call people by their names and use their pictures and they will love you.
4. Pause before you answer them. This gives them the impression you have thought over what they said and that it was worthy of thinking over.
5. Use their words – “you” and “your”. No “I, me, my, mine.”
6. Acknowledge people who are waiting to see you. If they have to wait, let them know you know they are waiting. This is really treating them as a somebody.
7. Pay attention to everybody in a group. Not to just the leader or spokesperson. A group is more than one.
Just about the single most important step you can take to be skillful in human relations is for you to master the Art of Being Agreeable. Truly, this is one of the gems of wisdom of our time. Probably nothing will help you so much in your lifetime as this easy-to-do technique of being agreeable. As long as you live, never forget that any fool can disagree with people. It takes a wise man, a shrewd man, a big man to agree – particularly when the other person is wrong. The Art of Being Agreeable has six parts—
1. Learn to be agreeable, to agree with people. Get yourself into a frame of mind, an attitude of being agreeable. Develop an agreeable nature. Be a naturally agreeable person.
2. Tell people when you agree with them. It is not enough to be agreeable with people. Let people know that you agree with them. Nod your head “yes” and look at them when you do it and say to them — “I agree with you” or “you are right.”
3. Do not tell people when you disagree with them unless it is absolutely necessary. If you can’t agree with people, and many times you can’t, then just don’t disagree with them unless it is absolutely necessary. You will be amazed at how seldom this will be.
4. Admit when you are wrong. Whenever you are wrong, say so out loud — “I made a mistake”, “I was wrong”, etc. It takes a big person to do this and people admire anyone who can do it. The average person will lie, deny or alibi.
5. Refrain from arguing. The poorest technique known in human relations is arguing. Even if you are right, don’t argue. Nobody wins arguments or friends by arguing.
6. Handle fighters properly. Fighters want one thing — a fight. The best technique to handle them is to refuse to fight with them. They will sputter, fume and then look silly. The reasons behind the art of being agreeable— · People like those who agree with them. · People dislike those who disagree with them. · People don’t like being disagreed with.
The more listening you do, the smarter you will become, the better you will be liked, and the better conversationalist you will be. A good listener always winds up far ahead of a good talker in the affections of people. This is because a good listener always allows people to hear their favorite speakers, themselves. There are few things in life which will help you more than becoming a good listener. However, being a good listener is not an accident. Here are the five rules which make a good listener—
1. Look at the person who is talking. Anybody worth listening to is worth looking at
2. Lean towards the speaker and listen intently. Appear as if you don’t want to miss a single word.
3. Ask questions. This lets the person who is talking know you are listening. Asking questions is a high form of flattery.
4. Stick to the speaker’s subject and don’t interrupt. Don’t change subjects on a person until he is finished, no matter how anxious you are to get started on a new one.
5. Use the speaker’s words — “you” and “your”. If you use “I, me, my, mine” you are switching the focus from the speaker to yourself. That is talking, not listening. You will note that these five rules are nothing more than courtesy. Never will courtesy pay off for you so much as it will in listening.